In his book, Destination Community, Rick Howerton describes authenticity in small groups as
…the willingness to openly share our pasts as well as what is continually unfolding in our present spiritual journeys. Small-group members will know they are living lives of authenticity when they are ready for their personal stories to be revealed…the good and the bad, the successes, struggles, and embarrassments.
It occurred to me recently that it wasn’t until I was ready to get real with God that I began to get real with my small groups. When I became desperate enough, through my brokenness, all inhibitions crumbled, and I dared to shake my fist at God and accuse him of abandoning me–when I allowed myself to name what I was feeling–that’s when I finally got real with God. And His response floored me…He spoke tenderly. As I allowed my heart to be heard at last, God initiated me into a healing journey and in the most amazing way, when I got real with God, God became real to me.
How many of our small groups encourage a posture of getting real with God and with each other? Would you feel comfortable with a group member accusing God of being a liar? Would you call that person sacreligious…a heretic? Yet Jeremiah did just that in Jer. 20:7.
O Lord, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me.
The level to which group members are able to be authentic or to get real with God, is the level of redemptive community the group will experience. What are some ways you have been able to invite group members into deep authenticity? How have you seen a person be transformed by getting real with God after finally giving up of trying to “defend” Him?
Below is a poll to gauge the level of authenticity in your small group. Answer the question honestly (there’s that idea of being real again) then check back in a week or so and I’ll post the results along with some thoughts on how to invite groups into a deeper level of authenticity.
The Gypsy Road 
December 12, 2008 at 6:34 am
It’s obvious… You’re not just talking about being in a real small group, you’ve experienced group life and the Jesus of that group. I’m inspired!
December 12, 2008 at 9:56 am
“The level to which group members are able to be authentic or to get real with God, is the level of redemptive community the group will experience”
Great statement Philo.
I’ve been fortunate to have a group willing to be led into authenticity almost from the get go. In fact, one of our ‘traditions’ (it’s weird to talk about traditions in a group that is only 3 or 4 months old) is to place the box of kleenex in the middle of the room cause’ someone almost always gets real and raw enough that emotions come pouring out. And the most beautiful part is that it isn’t always the same person.
The only potential gap in community that we seemingly have at this point is the mix of life-stages in our group. In your poll, I clicked on the “absolutely” choice when it comes to our authenticity. But part of me wanted to put an asterisk by my vote. Because while “no subject is taboo”, sometimes part of the group is obviously left out because of the topic that is brought up. For example … marrieds may start talking about things that singles simply can’t get yet … and there are other things/topics that we can tell cause a gap in the communication and understanding of everyone present.
So my question is this…
While authenticity is not a hurdle for these folks, sometimes understanding is. Do you spend time trying to bridge the gap for the ones who may need help understanding, or do you simply let it be, realizing that there will typically never be 100% empathy and understanding amongst any gathering of folks with varying life-stages?
My gut feeling is that it is a both/and situation. Bridge the gap when necessary. Let it be when necessary. And pray hard for the wisdom to know the difference.
Great post.
December 12, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Wow David…your group is definitely atypical, and I would suspect you are seeing a level of brokenness–and a level of transformation–most groups only hope for. To have that level of trust and intimacy after only a few months is a true gift, and I am so excited for the journey you are all on.
As for your question, a certain gap in understanding inevitably takes place in any group, even if you are all in the same life stage, because everyone is at a different place in their journey. To be sure the gap is more pronounced in multi-generational or multi-life stage groups, but I believe the greatest expression of community results from these groups. I think you nailed it when you said … “marrieds may start talking about things that singles simply can’t get yet” … with YET being the key word. The married people in your group are “blessing” the singles by inviting them to enter into their journeys. The things the single members will learn from their married sojourners will be crucial later on in their journeys. These single members will be so much better prepared and more mature because they’ve had a “guide” to show them the way.
I think this is one of the key weaknesses of affinity based groups–everyone tends to be in the same stage and it doesn’t allow as much of an opportunity to create “mentoring experiences” as the group you are in now. So I wound encourage your group to uses these opportunities. I think you’re exactly right, when someone needs more understanding, that might be a good time for one-on-one conversations. When someone doesn’t have a firm understanding and doesn’t necessarily need it right now, let them sit with it. You can bet they will need it for another stretch of road soon to come. That’s when they will truly “understand” it and can pass it on to someone else who might need it later on in their journey.
Thanks for the comment, I’m grateful to hear about the wonderful things going on in your group. Oh, and by the way…keep the Kleenexes going, those are tears of healing!
December 15, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Thanks for the response Philo. And GREAT point about the mentoring that is happening.
On that subject, one thing I always try to make sure we all keep in mind is that these life-stages are not necessarily a linear progression as we tend to think. The 20-something single isn’t necessarily on a lower rung of the life-ladder. They are simply at a different place. We (our church leadership) tend to try to get people to think of a mentoring matrix rather than they typical mentoring pattern of the “older, wiser, more experienced” always being in the mentoring role. We level the playing field and really try to get our folks to realize that the 20-something single with little life experience can be as much of a mentor to the 65-year old married with a ton of experience. It simply depends on what the mentoring is all about at that point. This accomplishes two main things.
1. It gives a voice & sense of value to the younger generations who are typically squished and silenced under the weight of the current leaders who are typically not willing to give ear to the thoughts and ideas of what is coming from what they perceive as “behind”.
2. It keeps the current leadership (typically the elder and more experienced folks) in check when it comes to their openness to listen to and be led by younger generations.
One quick story … As our church was in our launch phase, we got bogged down a little when it came to something to do with technology and our use of the internet for communication. After about a week of throwing around various ideas and having a couple of awkward silences that were based in differing opinions, it was a 14-year old young man who brought us all back to center. He simply said, “I thought we were starting this church to tell people about Jesus who wouldn’t normally hear about Him.” It had nothing to do with what all the older folks were talking about, so it could have very easily been dismissed. But because we’ve tried to build this culture of giving every generation a voice, we all pushed back from the tech dispute for a second, got refocused on our purpose, then resolved the matter within SECONDS of him saying that.
Anyway, thank you again for the post. And thanks especially for your response. It’s given me some needed guidance I was looking for in a certain area.
By the way – the tissue of choice seems to be Puffs with Lotion (in case anyone ever asks).
December 17, 2008 at 5:57 pm
David I think you are exactly right about mentoring being non-linear and often when I hear the word “mentor”, I’ll default to an old paradigm of older to younger. One of the key principles I’ve established in my father/son events is the idea of reciprocity. It’s so important for the boys to see that they have something to give to the father/son relationship also, and we use the experiential activity of playing catch with a baseball. When the dad throws the ball to his son, he depends on his son to throw it back. At one level they are on the same “playing field” and something is required from both of them. It empowers the sons, calls out their strength and allows the boy to see the man they are becoming. The same principle of reciprocity is at work in small groups and mentoring experiences. Every person has something to give and every person has something they need. When there is a nexus of these two realities, I believe deeper levels of spiritual formation takes place.
Thanks for the reminder, and I love how your church is embracing these concepts!!
We’ll add Puffs with Lotion to our Recommended Resources!!